A Passover Service for the Impatient

I get asked about Passover all the time – both from Jewish people who have a poor memory of what we learned in Sunday School (like me) and non-Jews, alike.  When my dad shared this simple Passover explanation with me last night, I nearly fell over laughing – and knew that I had to share it with you all too.

Oh, and to clarify a few things:

  • A Passover Seder is the service that we have with our families and friends during our celebratory dinner at Passover.  There are two nights of seders, but many families only have time to do one.
  • A Haggadah is the little prayer book that guides you through the seder.  Some are looooong and very boring.  Others are like the cliff note version.  And this one is only 2 minutes and downright hysterical.

The Two-Minute Haggadah: A Passover service for the impatient.
By Michael Rubiner

Opening prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.

Four questions:
1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:

  • Wise child-explain Passover.
  • Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
  • Silent child-explain Passover loudly.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover:
It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name it.

(This is where it is fun to play with your “Bag of Plagues,” a great distraction for both adults and kids)

The singing of “Dayenu”:
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough. If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would’ve been enough.

If he’d parted the Red Sea-(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Share |
This entry was posted in Family Mealtime, Holidays and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to A Passover Service for the Impatient

  1. Jenni says:

    Wow. It’s all very clear, now! That is hysterical. And, even though I’m not Jewish, I read the whole thing with the Yiddish accent that lives in my head!

  2. Hi Jenni,
    Thanks for the comment – I have that same voice in my head, too! I think the Slouch comments are great!
    Michelle

  3. Pingback: passover story|everything about passover story

  4. Denise says:

    The slouching part was the best. heh.

  5. Michelle says:

    Hi Denise – that was my favorite part, too. Thanks for visiting!

  6. Rachel says:

    I was in hysterics reading this!

    We’re a little ahead this side of the world (Australia) and our Seder this year was definitely the abridged version. We started off alright but after the first glass of wine we were all exhausted.

    We held a vote and the smoked salmon, gefilte fish etc were brought out straight away and then came the soup (with matzo balls of course), then roast lamb and beef, roast vegetables, salads and the whole nine yards.

    Finished up with way too much chocolate matzo and a lot of giggles!

    Certainly different to the seder night I spent at my friend’s house – her father was the local Rabbi!

  7. Hi Rachel,
    Thanks for your comments! It is always refreshing to know that I am not typing into thin air :-) Sounds like you had a great seder this year. When I was a child, our family seders seemed to drag on forever (and the kids would end up in hysterics after joking silently amongst ourselves!). We had a family of friends over last night – pretty simple and very relaxed. I brought out my bag of plagues for the first time, which was fun, too.
    Now, I am off to visit your website :-)
    Michelle

  8. Pingback: Hot News » Passover Prayers

  9. Jessica says:

    I understand that this is supposed to be a joke, but it’s making fun of a very important holiday for the Jews. That Yiddish voice your talking about is just some bullshit you saw on TV about stereotypes of Jews. Keep it in your head.

    • Michelle Stern says:

      I am sorry if this offended you. Please check the attitude at the door, though. I AM Jewish, and it resonated with ME.

  10. Jennifer says:

    Michelle-
    This is HILARIOUS! I’m printing it out and bringing it to our seder tomorrow night. . . . And of course, will retweet it too!!

    j

  11. Jessica says:

    My apologies. It was bad manners and my attitude was out of line.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>